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I really woke up…

April 12, 2008

on the wrong side of my bed this morning.  You see, I typically sleep on the left side of our bed, on my left side, facing out.  Husband prefers to sleep on the right side of the bed, closest to the door.

But I have this silly little theory that since my disc rupture was on the right side that when my right leg is hurting, it seems to hurt less if I lie down on my right side.  Since I’ve been waking up every morning feeling like my right leg has been in a continuous muscle cramp through the night, I thought I’d test the theory by having Husband and I switch sides.

In one sense it did work.  I woke up without the usual leg aggravation.  But before I’d even been awake 2 hours, the figurative sense of waking up on the wrong side of the bed set in.  I realized in a fit of pique how very weary I am of myself, my back, my leg, my circumstances, my confinement to my house, blah, blah, blah.

I woke up feeling physically better but in a mental and therefore, spiritual turmoil.  Choosing which pair of pajamas to wear this morning aggravated me because I’d just really like to wear jeans.  A phone conversation with a friend and hearing how something I worked to put into place is now being changed by another in my absence sent me into a two year old tantrum. Walking into the kitchen and seeing tea made differently brought tears of frustration to my eyes.

I believe I have lost my emotional mind.  None of these things matter in an eternal sense at all, but they point out such deficiencies and sin in my character.  I like my life, doing things my way, and it angers me that for now God has said no to these things.

It is at times like this that only a proper theology of God can support.  If I did not believe that He was sovereign and so teaching me something of eternal value in these temporal events, then I really would just be angry all day long.  If I did not believe that it was necessary for the working out of my salvation (sanctification) that these ugly sins be exposed, confessed, and repented of, then I would just continue to mire around in the muck of my own depravity.

If I did not believe that He does all things for His glory and my good, then the tears I feel welling up would only be wetness on my face instead of a daughter’s petition before her Father for forgiveness and grace to endure.

But I do believe that it is not all about me, and this is the hope to which I cling.

9 Comments leave one →
  1. April 12, 2008 4:28 pm

    “It is at times like this that only a proper theology of God can support.”

    I absolutely agree. Much as I try to ‘understand’ or excuse my anger over such circumstances, I’m thankful that God doesn’t let me get away with it and brings me to the point of acknowledging my sin. What I think of as meaningless irritants are specifically meant to further my sanctification. I’d like to opt out, but God is graciously tenacious in His purpose to teach me more clearly who He is and change me into the image of His Son.

    Our theology makes a huge difference in our ultimate response. Great post, Elle.

  2. April 12, 2008 4:35 pm

    This is an excellent post. I feel what you’ve written here, and I appreciate your honesty about what you’re going through today. God is being so gracious to you in giving you eyes to see your sin and a willing heart to be transformed by His hands. Joy cometh…

  3. Ellen permalink
    April 12, 2008 4:47 pm

    Oh Elle, I do in a very small way understand your frustration. Especially the frustration of not being able to wear jeans or even bend in the right way to put them on. I am praying for you with that new understanding and more earnestly that God would send you relief and encouragement in the midst of your suffering.

  4. April 12, 2008 5:49 pm

    He knows how to get our attention, doesn’t He?

    Praise to the One Who is working in us ‘a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory. . .’

  5. April 12, 2008 6:41 pm

    So true! And what a relief that it is NOT all about us! Resting in our hope in Him and His sovereignty is the only answer. Thanks, Elle.

  6. April 12, 2008 9:14 pm

    I’ve absolutely been there. You mentioned you’ve been having trouble getting good, solid sleep. That sleep deprivation thing always reveals some ugly, and I mean UGLY stuff in me. I hate it. But I would rather have it boiled up that simmer inside me. If lack of sleep is what it takes to boil it out, I guess I’ll cooperate. But it’s still so very not fun.

    Thanks for sharing with authenticity.

  7. April 13, 2008 12:19 am

    I agree with Megan! Fragmented sleep is such HUGE contributing factor. I pray that you find comfort that leads to restorative rest and healing.

  8. April 15, 2008 1:11 pm

    “I like my life, doing things my way, and it angers me that for now God has said no to these things.” Me too, me too! And you are so right…only a proper theology, trusting in the sovereignty of the God who does all things well, can sustain us. Thank you for a humble and authentic post.

  9. April 16, 2008 7:44 pm

    I do remember those doldrums after TM, when just everything under the sun was different ans wasn’t “right” in some respect. And you hate to even mention things to your family because they’re overburdened taking on extra tasks as it is. You’re so right that only trusting God’s love and wisdom and knowing and understanding that He has a purpose are the only things that help.

    I do agree that disrupted sleep does affect us in a multitude of ways, too. I hope you can get some restorative rest soon.

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