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Four years ago…

February 9, 2008

I had the privilege of participating in a retreat that changed my life’s direction. My eyes were opened to a very definite call on my life of teaching the Bible to women. I was scared out of my wits, while at the same time filled with new resolve to answer as Christ had done, “Here I am, I have come to do your will.” (Heb 10:9)

The last four years have been filled with a previously unknown to me learning curve related to understanding and teaching God’s Word, with heartbreaking challenges and choices, with stark contrasts of real and perceived faith, with obstacles and blessings that taken one by one cause the need to sit down and just breathe deeply. I’ve praised God on the heights for this work, and I’ve pleaded for Him to take it away for when the cost seemed too great.

But the call has remained. And for four years whenever the burden seemed too great, I would remember the previous retreat and look forward to the next, knowing that the blessings of it would be great tangible reminders of why I am choosing to walk this path.

This weekend is the retreat. I am on bedrest. I am not at the retreat.

I have probably run (in my head, not literally) the gambit of emotions on this disappointment. I have rationalized, reactionized, realized, crunchatized, and marginalized. I have cried, laughed, hoped, moped, and all while somewhat doped–the meds you understand. I have accepted, resented, accepted again, and waited on God for a reason, an idea, a blessing, and an answer.

None has come. All have come.

Discipleship has a cost. The cross for a believer is not a promise of happy, happy, happy times. The cross for a believer is a promise of His covenant faithfulness that requires an active trust in Who He is and What He has done for the children of men. His goodness is not the variable–my circumstances are. His sovereignty is not diminished–my understanding is. His will is not faulty–my acceptance of it is.

I choose to walk, and this is the path He has placed my feet upon. I am not at the retreat. I am on bedrest.

Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. Ellen permalink
    February 9, 2008 10:02 pm

    May God bless you with joy and comfort this weekend!

  2. February 9, 2008 10:57 pm

    Sounds like you talked yourself into it just like I did my attitude this morning. Althought I know you were disappointed, your heart wants to serve God and THAT, my friend, is why you were not content to sit in bed and pout. If you didn’t want to please your Savior, you would have just stayed mad.

    He has a reason. And even if He doesn’t–He still knows best.

    Good job trusting.

  3. February 10, 2008 12:44 am

    Yes, blessed be the name of the Lord. Thank you for sharing this. Your words through your blog (and comments :))have consistently been an encouragement to me to dig deeply into God’s word.

    I’ll be praying for you.

  4. February 10, 2008 9:31 pm

    Whatever He asks, happy or sad, joyous or grievous, success or failure, retreats or bedrest, my answer is Yes!

    I am so very thankful for your determination to follow Him, whatever the cost, whatever the call. You encourage me to fight the good fight as I too answer the (fearsome) call to teach His Word.

    May you know a quick recovery!

  5. February 11, 2008 2:45 am

    Reminds me of Esther and Joseph … for such a time as this

    Thank you for sharing – it means more than you know.

  6. February 11, 2008 1:46 pm

    So very thankful to call you my sister in Christ as well as my friend.

    Proud of you.

  7. Fiona permalink
    February 12, 2008 12:29 pm

    As I read this post, a little saying in an A.W. Pink writing came to mind:

    Ill that He blesses is our good,
    and unblest good is ill,
    and all is right that seems most wrong,
    if it He His sweet will.

    I know you don’t have an illness, but the principle is the same. I rejoice that you are growing in grace by obediently submitting to His sovereign sweet will when it seems most wrong. You bless and challenge me, sister, and I encourage you to press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

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